Saturday, September 19, 2009

“Teli, the doctor won’t hurt you. We only want to help you.” “Ok.” A shy eight year old girl followed the old wrinkled doctor. The Doctor appeared to be a kind man, but looks can deceive. His white lab coat flowed in front of her. She looked through her black hair at the adult guiding her. The cold grabbed at her exposed ankles. Her graying white gown swished around her calves. The hall was unknown to her. The truth was that most of the places they took her were unknown to her. The echo of her bare feet slapping against the cement ground snapped at her ears. The moistness in the air clenched her lungs. A door creaked violently open in front of her. She hastily followed her guide into the room before it crashed shut. A strange fear ran through her spine. She was accustomed to fear. Things haunted her in her head. Her dreams were full of things that frightened her. She had been too many places before. Places like this one, but the feeling here was different. She was guided to a metal table in the middle of the room. The cold grew until she could see her breathe. The Doctor motioned to her to stop before she reached the table. She had time to see the usual instruments and tools on a small table next to her. She had been in rooms like these before; they would test her normal vital signs and make sure she was in good health. They did that to all the patients at the institute at least she thought they did. She was never allowed to see any of the other patients. One of the doctor’s assistants approached her and led her to the metal table. She followed directions and laid on the frozen table. The chill went through the thin gown and penetrated to her bones. That is when all went wrong. They bound her to the table. They never did that before. The metal bonds bit at her wrists and ankles. She made no sounds or movements. She allowed the fear to attack her soul. She darted her eyes back and forth trying to understand what was happening. A sharp pinch hit her arm and before she could release a gasp she was asleep

3 comments:

  1. I'm really enjoying the story so far. Keep it coming. I really like the way you paint such a vivid picture through your descriptions. One suggestion: a lot of your sentences are really short, which makes for halting, choppy reading. Many could be combined with the next sentence to great effect, so you might want to play around with that. Varying your sentence length will help the flow of your writing. Overall, a very intriguing story, and I can see the video game script influences. Keep up the good work!

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  2. Thank you for your comment. I really didn't even realize that I was writing in really short sentences in this story. I definitely agree with you that it does make it seem really choppy. I'm going to work on this. Thank you. :)

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