Chapter 1
“In International news, a Boy from the United States in the state of Illinois was found miraculously alive after the Light rail system he was traveling on, malfunctioned and exploded causing the deaths of nearly 150 people. There were no other survivors reported. Medics and scientists are baffled that the 17 year old boy was found in the wreckage without injury. “
Teli listened to the news through a shop window. She shook her head at the almost unbelievable report. The day was a dreary gray with a slight drizzle. She walked through the damp streets of the wispy town. The walkways were empty of all usual pedestrians. Only the occasional car would pass by. She remembered the cheer and happiness that was prominent in the city, but the light rain before the depending rain shower caused the townsfolk to take shelter in their homes. As Teli went towards her destination she caught an occasional person watching her from a window. When their glances met the person would hurry away from the window as if to see a monster. She was not a monster; she was just a normal girl. She didn’t harm anyone and wouldn’t do so.
Why did they stare at her? Did they recognize her? How could they? She had not been there for many years. Were they actually scared of her? Maybe it was her long midnight hair that covered her face and her oversized jacket that went over her hands and drowned most of her body that scared people.
Memories flashed through her memory as she continued walking down the avenue. She passed a bread store where she used to come with her mother. She remembered how her mother would allow her to pick out a special treat each time they went. Teli could still smell the faint waft of fresh bread and baked goods.
A thunder clap flashed her back into real life. The rain started coming down harder. It didn’t affect her pace.
Still a very intriguing story! When does the game come out? I won’t point out every little error like some of your other commentators have, but this post could use another quick proofread (depending rain shower -> impending rain shower, capitalization, etc.). One question though: how much time has passed since the Prologue? Is there a way to convey this early on to help the reader visualize this? I’m not sure if I should still picture a young girl, or a grown woman, or something in between…? In a visual format, we would see the physical change which would be the clue to passing time, but in written format it needs to be spelled out. I’m sure this information will probably be fleshed out as the story unfolds, but having it early on would help me visualize the story as I read. Looking forward to the next installments! (PS: I love the mood created by the last three sentences. It’s amazing how much information can be conveyed by a few carefully chosen words!)
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